buffy,
thanks for finding my anonymous blog that i wrote over a year ago to help me through the dissolution of our friendship. it must have taken you a long time to find it. do you really have enough time to search all the blogs until you find one written about you? wow! well, now you've found it and outed me. do you feel better? do you feel accomplished? i know this is a reaction to my myspace blog. it amazes me that you assume everything is about you. hmm...
i am glad that lindsey finds it so funny. i assume she does realize that "i am jack's fiery ball of rage" was to her. i might be upset if i was so pathetic of a person that one of my best friends didn't trust me to watch her child and lied to me about it for 6 months because i endangered the child because i watched him while high. i guess that's the difference between us.
i really don't mind that you've found it. it was never really meant for anybody to read, but it is all true, and how i felt at the time. maybe for the sake of disclosure you should also post that last horribly rude and delusional email you sent me. maybe even all of them. you have offered before as a threat. please do. please post them. or i guess i could. i'll leave that up to you. i have no desire to air your personal stuff.
i really should stop reading your blog. it's like celebrity gossip, it is entertaining watching other people's drama. it just so happens i am not entertained by celebrity, so i watch you circle the drain instead. i am glad things are going better for you. i don't wish bad things upon you, i just don't want you in my life.
so, we have had this disscussion before, but it apparently bears repeating. please don't contact me again. i know this was not dirrectly, but you obviously wanted to get a rise out of me. i think it may be time that you let this go. don't you? good luck!
candice
5 comments:
Candice,
>
> There was a time when everyone thought it was cute, that way you loved to cut
people to the bone, because most of the time it was directed away from the ones
you claimed to care about. Over the years, though, you somehow managed to climb
higher and higher up onto your high horse, always reminding everyone that you
know better and you always have the right answer and if anyone disagrees they're
obviously wrong. It's exhausting to try and be friends with someone like that,
knowing that you're constantly judged, ridiculed, and that all the people you
love are constantly judged and ridiculed.
>
> You love to take every opportunity to call someone a "flaming cunt rag" or a
"fucking douche bag" or remind people that you wouldn't "piss on [so-and-so] if
she/he was on fire" or how you hope they "burst into flames". You've said these
things about Stephanie, Deanna, Kristi, Jenni, Linnea, Brock, Mason, Joy, Josh,
Josh, Cohen, Lindsey, Clay, Raven, Valerie, and Doug. And me. OF COURSE, ME.
The only people I've never heard you say awful things about are John and Amanda.
But John's your Soulmate, so I guess that makes sense.
>
> The most amusing part about your "honesty" is how you try and make people
think there's something really ballsy about it, that you just can't keep from
telling people exactly what you think about them. But the fact is that you very
rarely actually tell people what you think about them; you tell people what you
think about OTHER people. For instance, you might tell me that you think
Stephanie is a stupid crack-head, and then you'll tell Stephanie that you think
I'm a flaming cunt rag. You do these things and then you call the people you've
been talking about and ask them to hang out with you; then you get inconsolably
angry if those people have made other plans.
>
> It's just a big ol' mess, you see? You're confusing and inconsistent and mean
and petty and hard to follow and totally self-centered, so much so that it never
occurs to you that you ought to think about other people's feelings, how the
things you say might make people feel badly, how if you were as terrific a
friend as you tell everyone you are, you'd probably every now and then think,
"Hm, I don't want to hurt [so-and-so's] feelings, so I probably shouldn't say
this."
>
> And I've noticed that you love to point out all the good things you've done,
like loaning me your car when mine was wrecked, or keeping Reed for me for a
while, but the fact is that I've come to realize that you didn't do those things
because you loved me so much that you wanted to help. You did them because it
simultaneously gave you the opportunity to play the martyr, the opportunity to
have more shit to hold over my head, and the opportunity to look good in front
of my husband.
>
> Oh, and how you love lookin' good to my husband. A major part of my decision
to end our friendship was the odd fixation you had on Jason- touching his leg
and leaning on him, standing too close, openly telling me and other people
things like, "If Buffy's at work tomorrow then I'm coming over; I need some
Jason time." And listen, I'm sure you're going to play the crazy card, and
bring up my emotional issues to try and make it sound like I'm making this stuff
up or imagining it. But that doesn't really work for several reasons, the first
of which is that my psychological issues don't cause me to make things up. My
problem is that I get very sad and sometimes the solutions to my sadness that I
come up with are unhealthy or dangerous. It has nothing to do with imagining
things about my husband and other girls. Another reason that doesn't work is
that several other people- Jason included- have noticed that you have acted
inappropriately with him. Several people, people who know you well, have
reassured me that it's not my imagination, that they'd never brought it up
because they figured that it must have just not bothered me that you acted that
way. Little did they know that when I was in the darkest depths of postpartum
depression, I would come home to you nestled on the couch with my husband and
baby, that I would go to the bathroom and cry because it felt strange that you
wanted to spend so much time with them without me around. Little did they know
that when I made any attempt to spend less time with you, you would yell and
accuse and spit venom like I was a terrible person for pulling away. Little did
they know that when I confided in you that the depression was really bad, your
reaction was to talk to me like I was an idiot and then have a fight with your
boyfriend on my front porch about whether I needed therapy or drugs. Little did
they know that you told me you felt badly for Jason because I needed to "let
him" go out.
>
> And now, surprise surprise, you're sending Jason messages, asking him to let
you know if I should check myself in to the hospital. You eliminate any
possibility of mistaking the request for sincere concern when you say things
like, "I don't give a fuck about Buffy. I just want to make sure Jason and the
kids are alright." I'm sure you'd love to get in here when I was gone, to be
able to ease right in and be the savior, the martyr, to take care of everybody
when I'm not around. Several things come to mind, one being GO FOR IT, HERO.
Why don't I just take a week or two off, get some sleep, read, catch up on my
me-time, and you can come over here and "take care" of things for a while?
Listen, I'm no superwoman but I can tell you, I want to see you manage in one
day to shower and look pretty, work for nine hours, pay three bills, bathe one
child and make sure that two more bathe themselves, help with and check
homework, field seven "I had it first!" arguments, do five loads of laundry,
cook dinner for five and then clean up, scrub the counters, watch a couple of
your favorite tv shows, do a few creative things and then sleep for seven hours.
And then how about you get up and do it again the next day. AND THEN HOW ABOUT
YOU GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. It will be like Wife Swap except my
two weeks will be about working three days a week, complaining because the house
is never clean and bitching at my boyfriend to buy me an engagement ring
already.
>
> Another thought is what exactly makes you think that Jason just wants to usher
you into our home? Is it all the phone calls you get from him in which he
declares his love for you and tells you how much he misses your scowling face?
All the love letters he sends you telling you how you were the light of his life
and he can't possibly endure another day without your pessimism and searing
malice? No, can't be those things; they never happened. Do you imagine that
Jason is going to say, "Dude, that's the hottest, best, most awesome olive
branch of friendship I've ever heard, plz come help"? I have to tell you, I
KNOW DIFFERENT. It's odd that it hasn't occurred to you that you've been so
awful, so blisteringly ridiculous that Jason has had enough. That the ways that
you were terrible to me were taken personally by him, my husband, the man who
prays every day that I'll get better and that we will have a long life together.
TEST IT, PLEASE. Call him up and ask him how he feels about you, how he'd feel
about you coming over to help out if I was gone. Maybe that's what you need- to
crawl up out of all those fantasies you have about how wonderful and gracious
and admired you are, to realize that you have been mean and vindictive and
heartless to so many people.
>
> In the end, Candice, STAY THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN. You can say whatever you
like, you can keep talking about what a cunt I am and how you just want to make
sure my husband and my kids are okay, don't think for a minute that you can have
any of this. They don't want you any more than I do.
>
>
>
> And, don't worry; if you're thinking that it's small or cowardly of me to send
this to you instead of posting it on my blog or sending it to everyone we know,
just let me know. I can take care of it.
>
>
> Buffy
That's that email you were asking for, just so you don't have to worry about posting it.
Nice that you went through and deleted some things from your blog that you didn't want people to see. Interesting that you would post things on the internet that you didn't want people to see. Funny that you finally decide to own up to your own thoughts but don't want to own up to all of them.
Also, I just have to add, if this blog were meant to be secret, why would you have commented on my blog from your blogger profile over a year ago?
http://bloggingbuffy.blogspot.com/2007/01/all-my-relations.html
i actually had it set as private at the time, so it didn't matter. the only reason i changed it was so that i could let someone read the entry that i have now deleted. i had really forgotten about that comment all together. oh well.
I like it when people come together and share thoughts.
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